Teriyaki Gluten

My original plan was to make orange chicken. I had the orange juice rather strategically located in my fridge, and everything else just a cabinet’s length away. I even had a pre-existing recipe, and by ‘recipe’ I mean ‘scrawled-up piece of paper’. The recipe called for oranges, and I had juice, so I figured I’d just dump things in at random. This was my first mistake.

Apparently there’s a big difference between ‘1 tbsp of sherry’ and me just casually adding a vaguely largish dollop. No matter how much sugar I added, the sauce kept tasting like a screwdriver gone horridly and vomitously wrong. The soy sauce didn’t help either. Albeit, the recipe I was vaguely following didn’t actually call for soy sauce, which right there might have been part of the problem. So I gave up and strained it all out.

Luckily, I’d only added carrots, which strained out quite well. I dumped them back in the pan, and added the green pepper and gluten. I then proceeded with the ‘teriyaki sauce, garlic, and sesame oil’ approach, which worked much better. I stuck to safer addons like sesame seeds and pepper. Look, it’s pretty! There’s even steam rising! It’s like a train got buried in a tragic avalance of vegetables!

Teriyaki Gluten

These gluten balls are awesome, btw. So squishy and just the right amount of absorbent! Like, I wish I had a giant magical bed of gluten I could curl up on and go to sleep on. Then if I got hungry in the middle of the night I could just start gnawing. I suppose I’d need to douse myself in teriyaki or sweet and sour sauce before going to bed though, otherwise the gluten wouldn’t have too much flavor. I could just shower in the morning, I suppose. These things are so complicated!

Oh yeah, it all got gloriously dumped on rice for the final consumption. I had a serious case of consumption…of teriyaki! Woo!

Teriyaki Gluten on Rice

P.S. I’m putting the ‘vegan’ tag for this, so kindly ignore if you are Buddhist, as apparently garlic is non-vegan for Buddhists. I always knew garlic came from those cloven beasts that haunt the hills and meadows of the lands no vampires dare enter!

Sushi Pile (again!)

If there’s two things I’m good at, it’s eating sushi and being lazy. Thusly, we have Sushi Pile, Part Deux. Now, I just made a sushi pile a little while ago, therefore I should warn you in advance that this post will be repetitive and uninteresting. Sorry, but that’s just how I roll. This one, however, comes with bling.

Sushi Pile

It’s the lens flare that adds the flavor.

Did you know that you can get 5 lb bags of wasabi at your local Asian grocery store? I suggest that you get on that this instant, lest you be stuck with boring sushi when the Apocalypse arrives, or the zombie uprising, for that matter. I know that when I’ve got 287923443 undead beating down my door, my primary concern will definitely be how to get that extra zing in my nigiri!

I’m gonna make real sushi one of these days, I promise. Girl scout’s honor!

Sausages with Biscuits

It’s a rare thing that can tempt a lady’s heart more then a big pile of meat.

There I was, casually roaming the aisles of the local Kroger, when a friendly little tube of sausage just hopped right on into my cart. Being a kind person, I allowed it to come along for the ride. I get home, and it promptly crawls into my freezer, curls right on up, and goes to sleep.

A few weeks later, I’m in the kitchen, just minding my own business, when I hear a pounding on the freezer door. I open it up, and out jumps the sausage tube! I had my suspicions that it wanted nothing more then to crawl down my throat! So I went on instinct, and left it out to thaw.

Later, when I whipped out a frying pan and cutting board, there it was, anxious to be sliced. I did the deed. Promptly afterwards, the patties hopped into the frying pan and began sizzling away. Don’t they just look so content?

Happy little sausage patties!

Anyhow, they got all naughty and covered with grease. So I got out my handy dandy paper towels and patted them dry. This is a technique I honed back when I ate public school lunches. The napkins in public school cafeterias exist less to wipe your hands and mouth and more for absorbing pizza grease. So anyway, then I slapped a sausage into a nice toasty biscuit and doused it with syrup. I then topped off my sausage biscuit with a side of sausage.

Sausage Biscuit with Side of Sausage

Let me tell you, this concoction slid down my throat like nothing else. That meat sure knew a sucker when it saw me!

Biscuits ahoy

So there I was, deep in the Amazon. And by ‘Amazon’, I mean ‘My apartment’. Anyhow, a vision of light appeared in my head…a vision of biscuits. A vision so luminescent that white flour alone would not cut it. No, I needed wheat flour as well for this job. A blending of two flours, to form the ultimate biscuit-seeking power, that the Biscuit Gods might bestow unto me their fluffy buttery benevolence. That my soul should be at peace, cushioned in the soft tender carbohydrates of the heavens.

I sought long, and I sought hard. My seeking was not to be in vain. Soon, the alchemy was complete. Crouched, prone upon a desolate pan in the stove-like wilds, were my muses.

Biscuits

Wild, these biscuits were. No biscuit cutter could tame them. Timidly, they approached me. Seeing I meant no harm, they soon gathered ’round. Overwhelmed I was by these gentle yet delicious beasts, I couldn’t help but delight in their doughy frolicking. Seemingly inspired by the gods themselves, one chose itself out of the fray to come forth, and be a willing sacrifice down my throat. It was then that the jam made itself known, sacrificial jam to quell the soul of any bread product.

The biscuits then silenced themselves, and I took a savory bite into the virgin dough. The rest were awed into submission, overwhelmed by a catharsis of hope, that someday soon they too might meet this good and noble fate. Eagerly, they crawled into my tupperware container, and nuzzled up against one another.

Nuzzling biscuits

Sleepily, they dozed as I covered the container and savored the spoils of my hunt. The gods were good to me that day.

Glamorous Pasta

My pasta is totally blinged out, yo. You see, when you really get down to the nitty gritty, there’s just something about a lens flare that makes life worth living.

Shells and Cheese

See, these shells and cheese are so glamorous, you can barely tell what they are!

Actually, Pasta Roni shells and cheese is a glorious thing. I like to pump them up with parmesan, oregano, and garlic. So cheap, too! Actually, I really like cheapo shells and cheese. There’s something about that powdered cheese food product that makes life worth living.

To be honest here, I like expensive shells and cheese too. Really, as long as there’s cheese involved I’m gonna be OK with the pasta situation. Well, unless it uses elbow macaroni. That is the Macaroni of Satan. I don’t care what anyone tells me, I totally think that different shapes of noodles taste different from each other, and elbow macaroni is just no good at all.

Pizza and BBQ and more!

Long time no post, eh?

I was a complete slacker this weekend. I’d be partway through eating something when I’d suddenly remember my lonely little camera, lounging away in the hotel room. So it goes. But it’s all good, I remembered a few times, and I can make up the rest.

Pizza is essential eating at the beach. This was a delightful pizza with chicken on it gotten from some place that also had even more delightful chicken souvlaki. Said souvlaki was so delightful that there wasn’t any delight left over for the camera, in that my picture of it really sucked. So here’s the pizza instead:

pizza

That’s one of the really good things about beach food, is that there’s about 28374892374 times as many locally owned pizza places as there are chain pizza places.

I also got the joy of eating some North Carolina Style (read: vinegar) barbecue that was actually good, and not dry like I’ve had before. Mind you, I still added ketchup, as I’m strongly a fan of the tomato based bbq, but nonetheless, I could have been perfectly content without. Yeah, I didn’t take a picture of that, either. However, there was also some barbecue on a seafood buffet, which I felt obliged to get. The picture came out dull and fuzzy, so I used my Photoshop friend to help it out.

Barbeque

Apparently, lens flare is barbecue’s best friend! You just can’t say ‘no’ to meat that’s as blinged out as that.

Barbecue Sandwich

I heart barbeque, it is so gooey and delicious. This is not real barbecue, it is merely chicken doused with barbeque sauce and inserted into a sandwich-like item, but it was still quite delish.

barbecue sandwich

I’d like to point out that there is indeed avocado in that sandwich. Avocado and barbecue, as well as avocado and most sandwiches, go delightfully together. I would also like to mention that pumpernickel is the Bread of the Gods.

I will be passing through barbecue central soon, and by this I mean the Carolinas, as I head off to Myrtle Beach for the weekend. Have no fear, I’ll be back soon enough on Tuesday, more likely then not laden with pictures of more tasties.

Sushi-like Pile of Delicious

Have you ever had one of those days where you just really really wanted sushi but couldn’t quite justify the cost? This is why it really comes in handy that I know how to make sushi. And I really had planned to make sushi, too. However, when you’re missing a key ingredient (nori, aka the seaweed paper that sushi gets rolled in) and are too lazy to go buy it, the sushi just ain’t gonna happen. Albeit, one who is too lazy to go buy an ingredient is certainly too lazy to actually make said sushi, but let’s just ignore that fact for now.

So instead I just made all the ingredients for sushi and dumped them in a pile. Turned out I was out of sushi rice, but I just used jasmine instead (jasmine = best rice ever) and it was quite delightful. I fried the egg + sugar that always looks so nice and folded in nigiri rolls, but, quite inevitably, it suceeded looking only like mutated scrambled egg. So much for my egg frying skills. But no matter, it all piled happily with the avocado and carrot, as well as delightful furikake. Furikake is the Rice Seasoning of the Gods, it is flavorful and makes even plain rice absolutely delicious. And then came the shrimpies!

In any case, here’s the final result.

Sushi Pile

Lazy sushi for a lazy me. But, so good.

I really need to get some (nori, that is).

P.S. If you want to be super cost efficient, it’s infinitely cheaper to buy nori in a 100 sheet count pack from your local Asian food store then from the fancy schmancy international aisle of your local grocery store, where they might charge the same price for only 10 sheets.

Cookout Joys Galore

These days, having a window open generally results in the scent of cooked meat wafting in at all times of day (and possibly night, as I’m generally asleep however I can’t be too sure about that). The entirely frustrating part about all of this is my complete lack of grill. I suppose I *could* technically buy one, but that would involve spending money, as well as the intent to spend more then a year living in my currently backyarded rented abode. This leaves me with two tendencies which I vigorously practice.

Tendency #1 is my waiting for the both eagerly anticipated and highly dreaded arrival of the Grill Fairy, whereupon I’d wake up with a sharp jabbing pain in my neck and charcoal down my shirt, but a grill resting sweetly beneath my pillow to make it all worthwhile. No luck on this one so far.

The far better tendency is #2, whereupon I get to mooch off the cook-offs of others, and eat tasties like these:

Burger goodness

There’s actually another option in all of this. It’s called “The George Foreman Grill and Extension Cord Method”. It doesn’t produce quite the flavorful taste and aroma one might hope for, but it does indeed fulfill the ‘grilling outdoors’ requirement entailed in, err, grilling outdoors.

A final note: Those with gas stoves are in luck. I greatly enjoy stabbing a wiener (huh huh ‘wiener’) with a fork and cooking it over the gas stove until said wiener is rendered delicious. This also works well with marshmallows. I highly recommend it.

Goobers Galore

So at some point in the vaguely recent past, I happened to acquire a small collection of goobers. I’m not quite sure I’ve had goobers before this point but, sad to say, they’re just not all that good. I need them to at least be doused in caramel or some other substance, at least they’d be approaching Snickers-like tastiness at that point. However, apparently I need a minimum of Whitman’s Sampler quality chocolate and peanuts to satiate me.

Not that this has stopped me from eating them, however. Which is precisely what I was doing when I decided they needed to be documented in pixel-form. I knew they couldn’t just be in little ball glob form, it’s simply not festive enough. So I made a swirlie:

Goober Swirl

Think of them as hippie goobers?

Actually, as I was doing this, I just kept thinking of rabbit poop. I mean, I’m pretty sure they taste better, but visually they do bear a strong resemblance. All of which inevitably led to this horrid accident:

Bunny Poop

I mean, c’mon, if you were decapitated, I’m sure that holding it all in would be the last thing on your (lack of) mind.

This did nothing to improve the taste, by the way.