How Not To Make A Piña Colada

Did you know that you don’t use coconut meat to make a pina colada? The recipes I’ve found online call for cream of coconut or coconut milk, with no coconut meat involved at all. However, having a coconut on hand, I decided to blatantly ignore this fact and make up my own recipe.

To crack open a coconut, you need to get the milk out first, which is most easily accessible through the three eyes at one end of the coconut. To do this, I first whacked a hole through two of the eyes with a hammer and nail, then screwed a screw through the two holes, then used the hammer to whack the screwdriver itself through the holes. A patient person I am not, and I had no interest in sitting there while the milk oozed out drip by drip. The milk poured out quite efficiently after this process was completed.

Next up was cracking open the coconut. In theory, you can just hold it in your hand a certain way and whack it along the seam. The coconut should magically fall apart into two clean halves. Apparently this is crazy talk, as my stupid coconut wouldn’t budge after about 5 minutes of this method. So I opened it the traditional way – by placing it in a bag and whacking it on some cement. Quite efficient!

On some level, unfortunately, the coconut was sensing my angst. After it was smashed open, I nearly killed my hand muscles trying to scrape all of the meat off of the shell. In theory, you should be able to slide a butter knife between the meat and shell to easily pry the meat off. And in practice, this has worked for me before with other, friendlier coconuts. Well, not this one. It went screaming all the way, the little bastard. But it’s OK, the pain made the coconut taste all the better.

coconut pieces

Next up was the pineapple. I’m seriously considering never buying canned pineapple again, because fresh pineapple is so good. And, for that matter, far easier to hack open than coconut. You just cut off the top and the bottom, then slice off the outer skin. Cut the skinless pineapple in half, slice out the harder middle bits, and then chop up the remainder into whatever size chunks you deem appropriate.

pineapple chunks

Next came the blender adventures. Since I was already eschewing the wisdom of an actual recipe by using coconut meat, I figured there was no point in looking at a recipe for other instructions, either. So I threw in a handful of pineapple, and a smaller quantity of coconut. There wasn’t a huge amount of coconut milk from the inside of the coconut, so I poured all of it in. I also added a bit of powdered coconut milk, just in case. To ensure proper sweetness, I squirted in a glob of honey, and then I eyeballed what seemed like a respectable amount of rum and poured that in. Then, I realized there wasn’t enough liquid, so I added some more rum for good measure. I used Admiral Nelson rum – bottom-shelf, but a higher military ranking then Captain Morgan, so it’s gotta be good, right?

Well, the piña colada looked nice at least.

Pina Colada

This was definitely the beverage for people who need their fiber. The coconut did not really blend up into liquid form. It went through a straw, but this is one of the chewiest drinks I’ve ever had. Also, too much rum. It’s like I was having some pineapple and coconut with my rum. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but if you’re looking for a smooth and delicious pina colada experience, it’s definitely a bit disappointing. Next time, I’ll measure the alcohol, leave out the coconut meat, and use cream of coconut like the recipe calls for.

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One Comment

  1. term paper custom September 26, 2017 12:34 am

    Pina colada has been my favorite drink which I always like to have as refreshment whenever I am feeling thirsty. Pina colada has always been the most fascinating and healthy drink.

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